There is a book about Dalai Lama called “The art of happiness”.
In this book he claim that happiness and love is our root of mind. Our natural state of mind.
So why is it so hard? Why are we experts in creating problems? Why is it so hard to love yourself? And if it is our natural state of mind, why are we so far from it?
Four years ago I couldn’t truly love my self.
So I Started to train this self compassion meditation.
Every day ended in tears.
–I truly love myself. I am worth all joy life can give me. I am enough as I am.
Those were the affirmations I had to do every day- infront of a mirror and look myself into the eyes while saying this, with compassion.
But never did I make it.
The longer I tried to do this, the weaker and more depressed did I get.
So I knew I hade a huge journey in front of me to make.
First thing I had to do was so unlock myself.
Open up that hard, rough surface I had on the outside. To let shit out and to let love in.
And to do that I had to find a trusting place. Somewhere I could feel safe to open up my secrets and the deepest of me.
So I found Yoga. I had tried yoga before but I never really connected to it. Now it was my best friend reaching out its hand to me.
As the journey of new physical movements started so did the emotional too.
When my body slowly began to release, open up and find new ways to move and have a relationship to the asanas. So did my mind too.
I caught myself many times in new ways of thinking. In new terms to expressing. I literally felt my nervs connecting to each other.
Every time after practicing yoga I could feel how the inside of me was replacing stuff. And how tension realsed and so much feelings and thoughts that now could enter.
Along this journey I found many new steps to take.
I had do get rid of the expectations I thought people and society had about me.
I had to forgive myself for not always being perfect. It is okey to make misstakes. And what is perfect?
As I gave myself to others I also had to receive what people wanted to give back.
Yoga gave me trust but I also had to find trust in the humans around me.
And on the top…trust myself.
I had to find my humbleness. Sure, I was humbled before but not to the deepest. Not to myself and not to the edge of really having my heart into it.
These four years of steps that I have been taking have been amazing. Not only in a harmful way. It has been tuff, many tears and sleepless night. Many fights within to put in peace.
So many questions I realized that I didn’t had to answer.
Patterns I had created unconsciously.
Behavior that I was learned into but was not clinging to my heart.
I had to create the human I wanted to be.
And mostly its easier to find out what you are not, then to find out what you actually are.
Why I am writing this today?
Because I had this reminder two days ago.
I was struggling into one of the asanas (yoga pose). And I was observing my thinking trough it. I was hard on myself and my mind went: Why are you not coming deeper into this pose? Why are you not trying harder? You should be done with this pose now! You should be good at this!
As I heard myself, I began to smile. I reminded myself where I was in this pose just one year ago. And how great I have developed myself. I accepted that I couldn’t push myself harder. And that I was fine with were I am today.
Suddenly, with one breath my body totally relaxed and the asana served me like never before!
So today I am all about that reflection. Of reminding myself of my development.
Standing infront of the mirror, naked, looking deep into my eyes and with compassion can say: I truly love myself. I am enough. And I deserve all joy life can give me. I am grateful for being healthy, wealthy and wise.
Today I am not bowing for the answers I am honoring the questions that take me to the road of searching for the answers.
Today I am not more or less than anybody else. I am meeting you eye to eye as the human you are and as the human I am.
Today I am not judging like I used to.
I can see you as I see me.
Never are we finished climbing the stairs of life. And thats the beauty of it. We are never done. Always have more to give.
But remind yourself to sometimes look back and watch the stairs that you actually have been walking on to the top.
Perhaps you fall of that stair and have to climb it again. And maybe that is because the top of it is rebuild and will serve you in a different way. And possibly you jumped over some steps before and now you can walk those you didn’t take.
Words are not enough to fill this feeling I am trying to share.
So I end this text with:
Go back to your natural state of mind.
Let it serve you.
Photo by: Camilla Bengtsson